**stuck between the pages is a red rose**

Ok, got in a little training, how I do hate those Shadow Horrors. Such mean little critters. Hoping that one day soon I will be level 49, but with finding myself so distracted here lately, I don't think it will happen. I shall wait and see.

The distraction, it's a good thing, a good feeling. It's definately not confusion this time. I find myself just sitting and watching whats going on around me, thoughts elsewhere, more than anything here lately. No matter where I am, or what I am doing, I wind up doing this. Feels so good though, so right, how can I not be wrong about it? Just go with the flow, I've been told, and that's what I am finally learning to do. Who said you couldn't teach a roguess new tricks, eh?

I have to say, it has been a while since I have been so sure of myself, of what I am doing, I thought I would never feel this way again. Guess I really do need to learn to be more patient, of course that's never been a strong feature of mine. Yes, see there, I've finally admitted, even if it is just to this book, that I, Emmy, am not perfect, and I am able to admit when I am wrong, which is hardly ever....HA.

Still standing here observing the comings and goings of all the people, but this time in Milltown. I never realized how busy these towns are. Still makes me wonder though, if people take time to just observe and listen. I didn't for so long, and now, to be getting that part of me back, I must admit, it feels good.

I will admit, I haven't done a lick of training for the past couple of days. I've barely farmed. What can I say, my mind has been totally else where here lately. But in a good place. I am starting to feel alive again. I feel wonderful. Haven't felt like this is such a long time, almost forgot what it felt like. I pray to the gods it doesn't end. I shall think positive this time, and I know it won't. Nothing can take this feeling away................

Ok, so with the help of some friends, I realized I couldn't just hide. I realize this now. So I am back out there trying to deal with things. It is becoming easier. Am I as happy as I once was when things were so simple, no, but I don't think I will ever be like that again. Too much has happened for me to get that back. But I will make the best of things and keep going.

I am sitting here in Dundee Square, watching all the people rush by as I write this. I wonder, do they ever take the chance to slow down and take in the sights and sounds of the area around them? I know I didn't for a long time. I have to force myself to just stand here, observing. But I feel I must do this to get back a part of me that I have lost some where along the way. The part of me that actually had fun and wasn't all work. I believe by doing this, I can find that part of me. And once I have found that part, maybe things will start to get better.

I've found myself asking, why do I keep training so hard? What is it that I am trying to prove? and Who am I trying to prove it to? At one time, I thought I knew the answers to these questions, but now, I don't know anymore. I mean, is it worth hurting relationships over to accomplish what I am wanting to accomplish? I really don't think it is. I was wrong to do that, I realize that now. I must take time to stop and take in the sites and sounds of the things going on around me, before I become someone I don't even know.

Ok, so maybe the best thing for me to do is to sleep. I did it once before, and it seemed to help. I guess I shall try it again. I don't know what else to do. Nothing seems to go right anymore. I have hurt people and been hurt. I will only wake for short periods to check on my trainees progress. Hopefully by the time they are ready to go to the temple, I will be ready to come back into the lands, happier and less confused. We shall see what happens.

I finally decided to take a break from training. Two levels in two days is enough to wear anyone out. And to tell you the truth, that is exactly what I am, tired, not just physically, but emotionally too.

He's gone, vanished. I guess I shouldn't be suprised. I am now trying to move on. But how do you do that after you've been hurt and too scared to trust anyone again? There are only a few who I can truly trust, the ones that have helped me get through all this.

I push forward, day after day, trying my best to put the past behind me. So far, it's not working all that well. I have a few out there that can truly make me laugh like I use to, and it feels good. To be my old self again, happy and carefree, that is what I truly want. All I can do is pray to the gods that that day will come. Until then, I shall keep pushing forward.

Ahhh, the feel of another level accomplished and 2 quests out of the way (thanks to Cel's help of course), feels good. Now to just farm to get my new armor. Hopefully it won't take too long, we shall see though. It is taking longer and longer to get to the next level. The training more vigorous and harder, but to be back out there, exploring new places, places that I have only heard about but never got to see, I miss that.


N'rolav desert, the sand, everywhere all I see is sand, I have to clean my daggers good after I am done there, so they will not get too damaged.


N'rolav forest, dark, and the demon bears with those eyes, seems like they can look straight at your soul, speaking to it, wanting to feed off of it.


Verthege Forest, and those darn Brown Guardians, I don't know if I want to see another one of those, they are mean. I do not know how many I have killed, and all I have to show for it is one WP and a pile of dulls that I can hopefully con Haggie into buying from me.


And then there's the farming, Midnight Beach, hoping and praying those sharks will be nice to me and give me a red, gold or orange crystal that I can take to the machine for a good scroll to sell. Mostly they just leave behind their rotting fins, that get left, sitting there in the sun and the heat, fouling up the air.


These little things I am beginning to notice again. Taking time to take in my surroundings, to actually see things again. It feels almost like when I first came to these lands. Everything so new, so much promise in them. I must take the time to enjoy this while it lasts. There is no telling when things will become all fuzzy and confusing again.

What's that old saying, one step forward, two steps back. That's how I feel at the moment. Seems I am going through the motions that everyone expects of me. Training, farming, being there for the guild, offering my assistance to the new adventurers. What more is there for me to do? How about caring for others and hurting deep down. Am I not suppose feel these things? Am I suppose to be this person with no feelings of my own or toward anyone else? Am I suppose to go on acting like everything is ok? It is so hard for me to do this. But I shall. For others to see my pain, my weakness, I can not allow this. I have to be strong and push forward. I must remember this, to keep this up. That is my goal now. To hide what I am truely feeling towards all. Maybe that way I will not bring anymore pain to anyone I care about.

I find it so wierd now, not talking to him, but seeing him in passing. The pain I see in his eyes is almost too much to handle, knowing I am the one that put it there. But what could I do? It wasn't healthy for either of us. I had lost myself somewhere along the way, and am now just finding it again.

It feels so good to be back out there with my duelmaster and assassin's dagger, killing the evil that has tormented these lands. I don't want to take a break from it, knowing that with each evil beast that I kill is one less that will torment some fellow traveler.

Who am I kidding here? I am not myself, no matter how much I say that to people and try to go on, covering the turmoil that churns in me. The words he said to me, they still haunt me. Could he be right? Am I truely that way? Unable to love another? This is what I find myself asking myself when I am not training. Seems the only time I do not think these thoughts is when I am training or farming, so I keep pushing forward. No matter the cost, I must keep pushing forward.

I have found myself offering my assistance to the new adventurers that come to the land. This is something I have not done in a long while. I had forgotten how good it actually feels, to be helping someone find their way in the lands. I must remember this feeling and keep doing this so I will not loose it.

You would think I would have learned my leason a long time ago, but apparently not. I swear, it seems all I know how to do is to hurt everyone and make a complete mess of everything. What I would give to have things back the way they used to be, when everything was so new to me.

The question I present to myself now, Can I ever trust myself again? Have I learned my lesson this time?

I knew there was a reason I loved the shadows so much, in them, I am unable to hurt anyone. It is just me here, alone in these shadows with my thoughts. How did I manage to hurt them all? Is it just my nature to do that? Underneath all this, am I truely evil and cold hearted? These are the questions I must find out on my own. No matter how long it takes, I will accomplish this.

Here I am, trying to figure out how I have made such a mess of everything. Seems all my closest friends I have made mad some how or another. Not to mention how badly I have hurt him. I really don't blame him for hating me like he does. I kinda hate myself right now, right along with him. Sometimes I feel it would have been better off if I would never have woken up in the first place. Feels like it would be best all the way around if I would just go back to sleep. But I must not do that, no matter how much I want to. I must battle forward, move on the best I can. As always, seems the only things I can count on is my training and farming. Don't really feel up to dealing with my trainees right now, but I must be there for them. I made them a promise that I would be there for them. Just wish things could be different right now. I've made this mess, now I must live with it. And live with it I shall, no matter how bad it gets.


**you see tear stains on the page fading some of the words**

Here I am, suppose to be training, which I will get to soon. Just broke his heart again. Mine isn't doing too much better, but I feel I had to do it. It felt like we were going in two seperate directions all the time. Not to mention the lack of communication between the two of us. Am I hurt?....yes. Do I feel horrible.....definately. Who wouldn't after what I just did. I am going to stick to my training and farming from now on, so that way I can't hurt anyone else, nor myself in the process.